Of Sceptres, Sugar Quillers, and Sweethearts
by Team Fidge
Summary: Getting all the right couples together- by bonking. A very twisted tale from Hogwarts! R/H H/G- R & R!


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~Prologue~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Fred and George Weasley were in Hogsmeade. Never mind what they were doing. It was obviously something very stupid and dangerous-but we will not worry about that. It's not part of our story.  
  
After they had completed their irrelevant high jinks they headed to the Three Broomsticks to meet with their two older brothers, Charlie and Bill, to share a few drinks (honestly…only a few…).   
  
They were sitting at the bar (each of the twin's on their 5th Butterbeer), when they heard a great commotion beginning outside the pub.  
  
"Fight?" Bill asked, looking amusedly out the pub window.  
  
"Free Dungbombs at Zonko's?" Fred suggested, trying to peer over his brother's shoulder.  
  
Soon their curiosity got the better of them, and they headed outside to really see what was causing all the hubbub.   
  
They got out just in time to hear an old wizard say, "It's a Hippogriff!"  
  
"It's a broomstick!"  
  
"It's a…it's a…"  
  
"BOAT?!"  
  
It was indeed a boat, and a very large and impressive boat at that. It was red and gold with grand billowing sails and flags, each emblazoned with two letters, 'R/H'. And it was sailing through the air straight toward them.  
  
It landed gracefully with a gentle 'thunk', a door opened, and three beautiful girls emerged.  
  
"They're Veela!" someone cried.  
  
"No," said the youngest girl, "We're Quillers. Sugar Quillers."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Charlie was the only one dumb-er, brave-enough to approach them.  
  
"Can we buy you a drink?"  
  
The young girl's eyes sparkled, and she shook her dark hair from her face, "Yes. You may."  
  
Soon all seven of them were seated at the bar and were enjoying Butterbeers and Fidge.  
  
"So what brings you here?" Bill asked, still slightly awestruck.  
  
"You," The girl answered simply. "Emo--hand me my sceptre."   
  
The girl sitting next to her turned, looking frightened, "Er-Gin…Emo's not here…"  
  
"What do you mean she's not here?" Gin's eyes flashed angrily.  
  
"I-erm-I actually haven't seen her since we sat down…"  
  
"That girl! I swear! Always wandering off…" Gin was preparing to stand up when the door to Three Broomsticks flew open. Emo was standing there with what appeared to be a very shaken looking Oliver Wood.  
  
"Gin! Look who I found! Isn't he just adorable?!? Can we use him, too? Pleeease, Gin?"  
  
Gin rolled her eyes hopelessly, but if you looked closely enough you would've been able to see a small sparkle of laughter in them.  
  
"Oh. Fine." She tried to sound exasperated, but failed miserably. "Bring him here. And my sceptre!"  
  
Emo danced across Three Broomsticks with Oliver flying helplessly behind her, "Here Gin." And she handed her a great sceptre.  
  
"What's that for?" Fred asked, eyeing the girl.  
  
"This." Gin said, smashing it over his head.   
  
Fred's eyes rolled and he began mumbling, "Harry…Ginny…"  
  
In a moment all of the Weasley boys (and Oliver) had been bashed over the head and were mumbling, "Ginny…Harry…Ginny…"  
  
"Ah-girls-our work here is done!" Gin smiled. "I believe we have other places to be?"  
  
The other two smiled and they Disapparated.  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Of Sceptres, Sugar Quillers, and Sweethearts  
  
By: Mioneatheart (Ginatheart) and the Fidge Team  
  
EmoTuesday ,Arabella Figg, Kneazle, Lady Cadogan, Vespertine, SkySparcz (Sky), AlannaGranger, Yasaman, BlackSwan, Sagittaire, Starbuckxs, Ashavah (JK), and Jen (lovesRon), and Dobby's Socks  
  
  
  
Once upon a time, in a land far, far away, there lived a very confused boy. His name was, for the purpose of this narrative, Prince Harry.  
  
No, no, no. Not that Prince Harry. On second thought, that could lead to a lot of annoying disclaimers and general confusion. Poor Harry (our Harry) is confused enough already. Since he wasn't really a prince anyway, we think Just Harry shall suffice. Harry Potter.  
  
Now, poor Harry Potter was a very, very confused boy (as most boys are), as we have already stated. He was madly in love (or so he thought) with Princess Cho. Well, Cho wasn't really a princess. She wasn't even Quidditch Captain. But she was a Seeker, and she was very pretty, which often counts for everything, sadly enough. But Harry had often felt that his love was hopeless, because Cho's handsome prince (no, he wasn't really a prince either…) had come and gone. Really gone. But, for the purpose of this narrative, we shall pretend he didn't exist (how convenient), and Harry had his heart's desire. When we turn our eyes on this couple everything is lovely…  
  
Harry Potter and Cho Chang walked hand in hand across the sunny, er-no well, it wasn't very sunny-- Hogwarts grounds. It was actually threatening to rain at the moment, and their conversation was so far limited to the not-so-stellar lines of "How are you?" "I'm fine." Ah yes…they had a beautiful relationship. They hadn't walked far when Harry turned his brilliant green eyes on Cho.  
  
"It's so nice to be here with you now, Cho."   
  
She looked over at him, her face shining with love. Or, at least Harry thought she looked at him. She was actually looking towards the Quidditch pitch, right past him, but when you were in a love as great as this such things often went unnoticed.   
  
"Oh Harry, me too! This is just wonderful!" She squeezed his hand more firmly, Harry winced with pain, but it was quickly forgotten as she gave him her brightest smile, which actually managed to dispel some of the clouds.  
  
He felt the familiar flip in his stomach, but he pushed it out of his mind. This was too wonderful a day to worry about something as unimportant as nerves. At least he thought it was nerves, it could have been that Chicken Curry he had for lunch…  
  
"So when are you going to tell where you're taking me?" Cho smiled up at him.  
  
"You'll just have to wait and see…" he replied evasively. Oh no. He had completely forgotten he was supposed to take her somewhere. Well, that was what they do on dates these days dim-wit, he thought to himself. Where to go? The lake had seemed nice and romantic, but he'd pictured it at sunset on a beautiful day with Cho in her silky, billowing ball-robes, hair blowing in the wind… Ahem? Earth to Harry. Come in Harry. He was actually managing to yell at himself quite well inside his head. Dran. Where to go? And without a second thought, he did an abrupt about-face and walked to the first place he thought of.  
  
They soon reached their destination--the Hogwarts' Quidditch Pitch.  
  
"Oh Harry!" Cho gushed. "This is so romantic!"  
  
"It's where we first met. " He grinned stupidly at her. Was this where they first met? Oh well, she wouldn't remember either…  
  
They sat themselves in the stands, fairly out of sight, and were preparing for a good snog when…  
  
**CRASH!**  
  
Harry looked down to the pitch and saw something he would never forget. Bill Weasley, along with 3 of his brothers, Charlie, Fred and George, had appeared out of nowhere right in the middle of the pitch along with a very strange looking Oliver Wood (he didn't look like the Wood Harry remembered), wearing nothing but leather loincloths and (strangely enough) tartan socks. Charlie's dragon tattoo was well visible and, out of the corner of his eye, he saw Cho swooning, her jaw dropping slowly.  
  
"Wha…what…" Harry stuttered. He honestly didn't know what to say. "What are you doing here?" He finally asked, annoyed that his girlfriend was falling head-over-heels for his former Quidditch captain (who didn't look like his former Quidditch captain) and his best mate's brothers.   
  
"Ah-Hey, Harry!" said Bill, looking very vacant. "I'm Bill."  
  
Harry, again, didn't know what to say, but he did know that he was beginning to get VERY annoyed-- "Right. Fred, George-what in the hell are you doing here?"  
  
George was looking like he had had a few too many bottles of Goldie's Liquid Curse, and replied tipsily, "Ah well, you see, Harry, we knew you were on a date with that Cho girl, and we've come to stop you."  
  
Harry was getting quite angry at this point. An intoxicated Fred and George suddenly appearing and trying to sabotage his love-life was not exactly what he had planned for the evening…well come to think of it, he hadn't planned much for the evening…except for Cho by the lake in the robes… 'Stop, Harry! You're mad at Gred and Forge, remember?' He regained his composure, "Oh-and why's that?" he spat at them.  
  
"Well, you see, Harry, I don't rightly know. All I know is that all of a sudden I decided I want you and Ginny to fall madly in love." George glanced at the look on Harry's face and continued, "Even though I am her brother and completely over-protective--you've got to understand, it's my life goal…you know maybe this has something to do with those girls we saw a few minutes ago… Sugar Pills or Sugar Spills or something like that…Awfully good looking, they were…that one with the sceptre…." He trailed off and Fred jabbed him hard in the ribs. "Oh yes, right…well Harry we just wanted to convince you of your un-dying affection for Ginny."  
  
"Oh, all right, then." Harry rolled his eyes. "And is that why you're here too, Wood? To convince me to go out with my best mate's little sister?"  
  
Oliver looked and Harry and replied, "No, I'm just here because I look so good in this outfit, don't you think?" Wood put his hands on his hips and modeled the outfit. George smacked him. "Ah-and well-you know…Ginny too…." He said quickly, rubbing his head. This Wood WAS a tad different, he had a Scottish accent…Wood doesn't have a Scottish accent…  
  
Harry was really beginning to see red. There he was on a perfectly romantic date with Cho (or at least it was about to become perfectly romantic), and these idiots had to come mess it up…Harry glared at them.  
  
"Listen. I don't like Ginny. I never have. I don't know where you people get this nonsense but personally I don't see any proof of a relationship with the two of us in canon. If you're so all-knowing show me your Inner-Eye!"  
  
"Inner-Eyes are inside you, mate."  
  
Harry didn't hear him and continued, "I mean I've never read the books or anything, since they won't be written for a few years, but you've certainly been brainwashed by those people…. Funny they were…had this great ship…." Harry trailed off, beginning to think he knew the people from somewhere, Sugar Pills? He was almost sure he had read about them somewhere…and how in the hell did he know they had a boat? "Did they use a Memory Charm?"  
  
"Nah. Their looks where enough for me." Oliver yelled.  
  
"Hiya, Harry! Time for you to be brainwashed back into canon--this won't hurt a bit…ah, maybe just a little…" A very beautiful young girl with spunky dark hair (Gin) had just appeared before him, along with her two accpmplices (they were busy eyeing the Weasley's and Oliver), she was carrying a large sceptre and grinning mischievously. He had no time to ask who she was before she hit him squarely on the head with her sceptre. Turning on Cho, she raised her sceptre again, an even wider grin spreading over her face. But just as she was about to bring it down, one of the other girls turned to her, saying something about loincloths, and cried, "Gin! Don't! That's not part of our mission!" Gin turned to her with a saddened look, "Ah. But can't you imagine a nice red bump on that pretty little head?" she sighed. "No, I suppose you're right…" So she settled for giving Cho her deadliest look, then Disapparated with her friends.  
  
"Wait! You can't Apparate of Disapparate on Hogwarts grounds!" Cho yelled, running toward the empty space where the gorgeous girl had been. "I should know, I'm a Ravenclaw! Haven't you read Hogwarts, A History?!"  
  
Harry was now wearing a very glazed look (this might have had something to de with the audacious girl and her sceptre) and was mumbling to himself, "Ginny good. Cho bad. Ginny good. Cho bad…"  
  
Fred yelled up at him, "That's the spirit mate!"   
  
Harry began stumbling down the stairs just as the Weasley's and Wood began to strike up a tune ("There's Your Trouble" by Dixie Chicks). Cho looked up from where she was examining the other girls' disapparating spot and yelled after him, "Harry, darling, where are you going?"   
  
His only reply was, "Cho bad. Must go find Ginny. Cho bad."   
  
Harry was just leaving the pitch, when he ran into Ron and Hermione (literally). Hermione was absolutely beaming, but Harry noticed (even through his daze) that Ron had a large bump on his head. He was muttering, "Must not be dim-witted, thick-headed git…must not be dim-witted, thick-headed git…"  
  
" 'Fraid it's hopeless, mate." Harry said to Ron. His mind was beginning to get clearer…why was Hermione smiling? And why were they both eating Sugar Quills? One did sound awfully good right now…  
  
Hermione smiled at Harry, "Ron and I are going out! Isn't that great? We were in the middle of an argument." she huffed, "--he's such a boy sometimes, honestly--"   
  
Harry looked at her absently, "Have you seen Ginny? For some reason I have to go talk to her…can't imagine why…"  
  
"…this girl just popped out of no-where-but you can't Apparate or Disapparate on the Hogwarts grounds, honestly-hasn't anyone read Hogwarts, A History?" (Ron came out of his daze just long enough to say one word-"No"). Hermione continued ranting, but Harry had stopped listening.  
  
"Cho," Harry muttered. He somehow remembered her saying she read Hogwarts, A History (wasn't that what Hermione was talking about?), but then couldn't help himself, it just came out-"Bad. Cho bad."  
  
"…and just hit him on the head with this thing, and then he just turned to me…"  
  
"Ginny might be in the Library…" he really hoped she hadn't been bashed on the head, too "…wouldn't want her to change at all…"  
  
And Harry staggered off leaving Ron and Hermione at the pitch, hurrying up to the castle to find his true love. He could hear faintly in the background, "There's your trouble, there's your trouble, seeing double with the wro-oong one, you can see Ginny loves you, you can see Cho doesn't but you just keep a-holdin' oon…"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Harry staggered away from the pitch and headed towards the castle. His head was a little foggy from having been hit by that thing. Where had those girls come from? Certainly not from Hogwarts…  
  
He opened the front doors of the castle and quickly had to adjust to the light difference. As he stood there, he saw a girl near the top of the staircase with bright red hair.  
  
"Ginny…" he mumbled.  
  
After stumbling a few steps, Harry began to walk faster. If he could catch up with her…He broke into a run thinking, "Cho bad. Ginny good." When…  
  
**BAM!**  
  
A door swung open and Harry ran smack into it. His head clouded over again.  
  
"Why if it isn't ickle Harry Potter!" grinned Peeves as he bobbed up and down in the air.  
  
Peeves has holding the head of a mop in his hands. It looked like the hair of a rag doll.  
  
"What is Potter wandering into doors for?"  
  
"Go away Peeves!" he shouted. "I'm in a hurry!"  
  
"Oooo!" squealed Peeves. "Running in the corridors. Shame, shame! Filch would love to give you some nice bracelets to hang you from the ceiling if he could."  
  
"Just get out of the way," pleaded Harry. "I have to catch up with her."  
  
This wasn't the right thing to say. "Her?" Peeves flipped upside down and looked where Harry was looking. Ginny had appeared in the corridor at the top of the staircase. Peeves flipped again, back towards Harry. He took the mop in his hands and placed it on top of his head. He looked like an absurd circus clown.  
  
"It's the 'Fresh Pickled Toad' girl!" cackled Peeves. "Potty wee Potter is in looove."  
  
Harry swung, and Peeves moved out of the way. Peeves began to laugh as Harry staggered towards Ginny. He really had to stop being hit on the head.  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Back when Harry was being knocked over the head,  
  
in the Hogwarts Library:  
  
Ginny sat in the Library with Colin Creevey, Neville Longbottom and Draco Malfoy. She had gotten rather bored of them begging for her love. The person she loved had fallen for someone else. Why, oh why, did Seamus Finnigan have to go and ask Lavender Brown to Hogsmeade? She sighed and patted Draco on the head.  
  
"Such a good little ferret, have a cookie." She tossed him a Pumpkin Pasty and he gobbled it up quickly. She scratched behind Neville's ear and his foot thumped loudly under the table. Not loudly enough to cover the faint sound of a 'pop' behind her. Ginny turned around to see three girls (dressed very oddly, by the way) standing in the library.  
  
Not that it was unusual to see oddly dressed people in the Hogwarts library, (after all Gilderoy Lockhart had been at Hogwarts during her first year) but nevertheless, Ginny was shocked.  
  
"Merlin's beard!" she cried, "Who are you?"  
  
"Ginny we're here to tell you that Sea--" the first one began-but a louder, even more oddly looking one cut her off.  
  
"Ginny, get over Seamus, he's a lousy git. Date Harry, he's cute." She finished with a giggle. "Of course not as cute as that new Oliver…that accent…in that loincloth." She giggled again. "And those tartan socks…I do love that Weasley uniform…"  
  
Another girl, with short, spunky dark hair, younger than the others, spoke up. "You have to like Harry." She began to dig around in the bag she was carrying.  
  
"But why?" Ginny asked. "He likes Cho."  
  
The dark-haired girl smirked, "Not anymore." She continued looking about in her handbag until-"Aha!" She pulled out a piece of fidge (edible fan-fic, don't ya know? Very tasty if I do say so myself…sweet and makes for good, calm plot-bunnies…) and began to contentedly munch on it.  
  
"But I don't like Harry, I like Seamus. He's dreamy…" She sighed. The first girl walked over briskly and handed a sceptre to dark haired-girl. "Your sceptre, my Queen of H/G."  
  
"Ah, thank you, my dear shipper." And with a quick 'thunk!' Ginny's head had cleared. "Seamus bad. Harry good."  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
And it was in that way that Just Harry found Just Ginny, his beautiful princess, and they lived happily ever after, eating Sugar Quills and rotting their teeth.  
  
Hermione and Ron lived happily ever after too, except they didn't rot their teeth, as Hermione's parents were both dentists.  
  
Happily ever after, that is, until Voldemort showed up and Just Harry had to defeat him again…  
  
But that, as we the Quillers would say, is another story.  
  
  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*Epilogue (We couldn't resist!)~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
In only a few days Hogwarts school was filled with mumbles and grunts, and nearly everyone had a bump on their head. Quidditch had turned into a mess, as well as had the love lives of many people. The Matchmakers, as people were beginning to call them, were on the move. Screams were heard throughout the halls, and even Dumbledore himself was hiding under his desk and fending off a rather beaten looking Madam Pomfey with the Gryffindor sword.  
  
But no one had as many bumps as Harry Potter. He stood out on a normal day, but now it was much worse, due to the golf-ball like texture of his head. A scream echoed down the hallway and waves of students fled.  
  
"There. You are a cute couple," the head Matchmaker was saying to a Ravenclaw girl and a Slytherin boy, both lying unconscious on the floor. She pocketed her sceptre and turned around sharply, looking for her next victim-er, couple--, but the hall was deserted. "Oh," she said, disappointed, and disapparated.  
  
Harry peeked his head around the corner slowly and was relieved to find that the girl was gone. Just then Ginny came walking down the hall, looking very dazed. Harry ran out to her, his head aching.  
  
"You good," he grunted.  
  
"You good, too," she replied. They sat on the window sill and were preparing for a good snog, when Draco Malfoy came pounding down the hall, running as fast as he could. It was a rather funny sight, and if Harry had been himself he would have found it comical, but today he just watched in amusement.  
  
Draco's tongue was lolling out one side of his mouth, and he was barking wildly. A door burst open across the hall, and the Matchmaker came running out, apparently chasing the dog-like Draco. She stopped in front of Harry and Ginny.  
  
"Aww…everything is as it should be," she said, smiling, while the couple cowered beneath her. Draco was holding a bone is his mouth, looking very contented further down the hall. "Well, perhaps not everything…" and with that she turned and continued chasing doggy-Draco, leash ready in her hand.  
  
One of her accomplices appeared in the hallway (just as she was about to catch him too) and asked, "Gin, have you seen Emo?"  
  
"Can't say that I have Sky…" Gin answered, watching despairingly as Draco bounded around the corner, out of sight.  
  
Just then Charlie Weasley ran up to them, "Have either of you lovely ladies seen Oliver? He's disappeared and we need him for the next number…getting quite an audience at the pitch…"  
  
The two girls looked at each other and burst into a fit of giggles. "I think," Gin suggested, "that Emo and Oliver have done a bit of match-making, no bonks required…"  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
And so the Sugar Quillers-er, Matchmakers-continue their great quest for world domination-or a least a good R/H snog by the end of Book Seven. As their Headmistresses did before them, they wrote epics of great length and skill, and thwarted H/H shippers at every turn. The Good Ship R/H sailed the seven seas, and the Queens of H/G reclined on deckchairs aboard their cruise liner. The Sugar Quillers-er, Matchmakers-were resigned (well not very resigned, but they were eventually kicked out of Hogwarts) to the fact that they may have to wait a few years to see Ron and Hermione get together-and a few more years after that to see Harry and Ginny get together-and a few more years after that for a good snog. But, we, the Quillers, along with the Headmistresses, have made it more bearable for everyone.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*The End*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
No Characters were harmed in the making of this Fic. Well, maybe a few… 


End file.
